Do You Value You?

On February 17th, 2014 I started a journey to lose weight and become healthier.  At that time I had absolutely no idea how different my life was about to become and how much I would discover about myself that I did not know before.  I've lived with myself for 47 years so I thought I knew myself pretty well.  As it turns out I wasn't just hiding myself from the rest of the world but I was also hiding from myself.

Throughout this journey I have been trying to keep it real and be as open and honest as I can possibly be because if there is even one person who hears my story that I can inspire, motivate or just reach to let them know that they are not alone then this will be worth it.  At this time I think it is important to share a little more about my story with you so here goes (deep breath).

Until I was about 8 or 9 years old I remember my life as being like a story book childhood.  We lived in brand new houses and went on vacations to Disney World every year.  Looking back I think that my memories seem so ideal because I was too young to realize the reality that we were actually living in (my sister and I).  I think I was about 9 years old the first time that I walked into the living room and caught my father holding my mother down on the living room floor and beating her head into the floor.  I am convinced to this day that if I had not walked in he would have killed her.  My father was a raging alcoholic and compulsive gambler.  I was always sympathetic to his situation because when he was 16 and his only brother was 19 (those are the ages as I remember them but could be a little off... it was too painful for my dad for me to talk about it with him) his brother died tragically in a car accident.  My grandmother went into a catatonic state and my father was devastated.  I have never had anything that tragic happen to me so I can't imagine what that would be like but I know it had to have been horrific.  I always just thought that he turned to alcohol and gambling to try to ease that pain.  Anyway, after that first memory I have so many other horrible memories that there are too many to write but there was one other one that I will never forget that truly scarred me for life.  One night I just remember that my dad was driving and my mother was in the front seat of the car and my sister and I were in the back seat.  My father was beyond irate and we were parked.  My parents were arguing and it was crazy scary.  At one point my father turned to me and my sister and told us what a whore our mother was and that she was having an affair with someone.  He went on to say that she had gotten pregnant and had an abortion.  I was 9 and didn't even know what sex was but he went on to explain to us what an abortion was.  I do not think that was true at all my father was just trying to hurt my mother.  But what he did to me and my sister's young minds (she is a year and a half younger than me) was irreversible.  The horrible arguing, physical and mental abuse, and our parents putting my sister and I smack in the middle trying to pit against one another lasted for about 3 or 4 more years.  Even after the divorce my father tried to ruin my mother's life and often used my sister and I as pawns.  He would not give my mother any money for child support and then he would take my sister and I shopping and buy us ridiculously expensive clothes just to rub it in her face that he had money and she did not.  My life when I was a young teenager was literally a living hell.

Once my parent's divorce was finalized and my sister, mother and I had been on our own for a few years, my mother decided to move us to Kentucky close to her brother and his family so we could get away from the craziness.  By that time my sister was already into drugs and being a full blown rebel.  She hated me and would just be horribly cruel to me because I was smart, did well in school, and had really good friends who were like me.  As soon as she turned 16 my father signed the papers so she could get married (then he was free from paying any more child support).

So I think I have shared enough that you are getting the picture of why I would want to hide from the world.  What I am discovering is that I thought my father hated me, that my mother was too wrapped up in herself to care about me, and my sister literally despised me and would do anything to hurt me.  Needless to say my self worth was very little.  If your own parents and sister don't value you then how can you value yourself?

Now I want to talk about value and what I am learning about my value.  In order for anything to mean anything to you it has to have a value to you.  For example if someone gave me a baby stroller that would have zero value to me because I do not have a baby nor do I ever plan on having another baby.  So if I had this stroller I would probably give it away or put it in my basement and never give it a second thought.  When something has no value to you then you don't care about that thing and you don't give it a second thought.  For me I saw no value in myself probably ever in my whole life.  I am beginning to realize that because I did not see any value in myself that I was not giving myself any attention.  Over the years I became increasingly overweight and although I didn't like how I felt I did nothing to change.  I think the only reason I decided to change is because I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable to the point that I wanted to lose weight to feel better physically.

Since starting on my journey I have been blogging about my feelings and experiences which has been such therapy for me.  I have also become a Beachbody coach and I am trying to be better every day than I was the day before.  Being a coach is keeping me accountable and is surrounding me with other people who have the same goals as me while I am helping others who are like me.  Every single day I am getting stronger and feeling better.  For the first time in my life I finally value myself.  I see myself as worthy of whatever I want.  I am no longer letting other people's actions define me and diminish my value.  I can not control what other people think or do, I can only control myself.   For the first time I am learning that I can be whatever I want to be and I am discovering that I want to just be me because I am pretty awesome.

Do you value you?  I implore everyone to dig deep down and find your own value.  The most important thing I want to say is that if you are a parent you need to instill value into your children.  Let them know they have value.  Next to that know your own value.  If you don't value yourself then no one else will value you either and YOU ARE SO VALUABLE!

So what is my value?  I am an awesome mom, I have a great career that I am really good at, I am smart, pretty, funny and fun.  Without me I would be nothing.  I am like a fine wine that is only getting better with age.  What is your value?  Do you value you?