Feeling Like a Stepchild

This morning I have been thinking and reflecting on my life. Today I am struggling with an all too familiar struggle that has haunted me since I was a child and I once again find myself not feeling "good enough". This is a lonely and miserable feeling. The reason I am sharing with everyone is because maybe there are other people who feel like I do and maybe this will help them to know that they are not all alone. When my sister was a toddler she had epilepsy. I loved my little sister more than anything and I always will. Her medical condition required that my parents pay special attention to her. She was hospitalized a lot. During those times I was placed with other family members or whoever was available to care for me. I was very sad. I was so sad for her and I was so sad for me because I felt terribly lonely. Everyone would always ask about her and do special things for her because of her condition. I think that is why I became so introverted and self-sufficient. The only person that I could count on was myself. Then there was my father. He was the youngest of two sons. When my dad was in high school his brother died tragically in a car accident. I can't begin to imagine the pain the was thrust upon my grandparents and my dad. As a result of his brother's death my father became the center of my grandparent's world. To say my grandmother spoiled him would be a gross understatement. Needless to say my father grew into a very self-centered but he also became self-destructive. He gambled and drank away everything we had. As an adult it is easier to understand his pain and his plight but as a child I was just a victim of his actions. When I was 13 my mother couldn't take it any longer and we left and they got divorced. Fast forward to my teenage years. My mother needed a change and we moved to Kentucky. By that time my mother was a raging alcoholic who was consumed with her own problems. I got really good grades in school, quite effortlessly, and I had goals and hopes and dreams. My sister chose a different path. She despised me and often tried to embarrass me and belittle me. My sister and my mother would party together quite often and because I was trying to work toward my goals I was again left out in a world of my own. Then there was college. I went to college about 3 hours away from home. There I felt like I had finally found a place where I belonged and I met so many amazing people who appreciated and liked me for me who I was fortunate enough to call sisters. My Delta Gamma family was my first real family. You all know who you are but you probably had no idea of how much I was struggling then or now. Thank you for always making me feel special and making me feel like I was good enough. Fast forward to life after college. My mother got very sick and had to have brain surgery. She got saved (spiritually) and is now a completely different person. She has been permanently disabled since then and has little memory (or seems to at least) of those days when her and my sister made me feel like an outsider. I love my mother so please don't get me wrong. She did the best she could with what she had and as an adult I know that. This post is me expressing my feelings. Seven years ago when I bought my house my family life was not much different than it had been my whole life. My dad's father passed away right before my mother got sick so my grandmother was alone. I tried to call her as often as possible but it became increasingly difficult to even want to talk to her. The only things she ever wanted to talk about was my father and sister's self-destructive behavior. NEVER did she just ask how me and my son were. NEVER did she ask about anything except other people. Sadly my father passed away of a sudden heart attack only seven days after I had moved into my first house that I purchased on my own. Dad just so you know I forgive you for everything you ever did to me because I know that you did not have an easy life. RIP. Fast forward to today. I am a single mother to the best 15 year old son that a mother could wish for. As he grows older he is increasingly becoming more independent and he doesn't need me. Yesterday was a long, hard day for me between work and football/high school activities so maybe that is why I am feeling so vulnerable. Nonetheless I am struggling. If you know me or have followed my story then you probably already know that my sister recently was sentenced to 4 years in prison for drug-related activities. You probably also know that her son, my nephew, is also back in jail. Due to his mother's struggles he has followed a path of self-destructiveness that is heart-breaking to say the least. And I have reached out to my mother more than anyone could know and I have tried to get her away from them and their destructive behavior but she just lives and breathes for them. The only thing she lives for is them. Talking to my mother just makes me feel sad and alone. The only thing she ever wants to talk about is them and the drama that they bring to her life. Today I am struggling with feeling alone and like an outsider. I am struggling to find a place where I fit in and people accept me for me. My new motto is NEVER GIVE UP. I have made a promise to myself that for my sake and for my son's sake I will ALWAYS TRY ONE MORE TIME. Today I WILL try one more time. But when you go to bed crying and you wake up crying that is easier said than done. So for now I am going to make a list of what is making me feel bad and then work on those things. I can't and won't be defeated. I keep reminding myself that when life knocks me down I need to try to land on my back because if I can look up then I can get up. And what happens to me doesn't matter. What matters is what am I going to do about it? That is what I am going to work on right now. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I feel like the stepchild so that is what my list will be about today. How do I make myself not feel like a stepchild? Thanks for being here for me always. Hugs, kisses and love to you all! Tina